“We went to the New York World’s Fair, saw what the past had been like, according to the Ford Motor Car Company and Walt Disney, saw what the future would be like, according to General Motors. And I asked myself about the present: how wide it was, how deep it was, how much was mine to keep.”—Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse-Five, Chapter 1
I turn my head to the East
I don't see nobody by my side
I turn my head to the West
Still nobody in sight
So I turn my head to the North
Swallow that pill that they call pride
That old me is dead and gone
But that new me will be alright
My body is like a calendar. Subconsciously keeping track of all the dates that I otherwise forget.
For some reason when I woke up this morning, all I could think about was John. It was so strong I just couldn’t even lay there anymore. I had to get up and visit the last remaining connection we have. His myspace.. It’s kind of pathetic really. I just go back and look at all his pictures. Read all the comments he left me, and me him. But, that feels like the only way I can be close to him anymore. Most of the time memories are hazy with him.. except for those rare occasions when they just hit me and I’m entirely overwhelmed with longing for those days.
This hits me every year and I normally go nocturnal. I can’t here. I can’t go back and read everything. I don’t have our notes here. all I have is finals. but, God, i miss him.
I don’t know how I had forgotten. How I didn’t realize it was creeping up. I guess I had been so busy it just slipped up on me. I had literally forgotten the date. But my body didn’t. My subconscious didn’t.
4 years. How much has changed since then? god. an infinite amount. How can it really be this long? Since I’ve talked to him. it’s utterly impossible to comprehend.
But, I can’t let this happen. not here. I can’t let this consume me like it does every year. I have to keep working. Work, work, work.
I guess I’m still an emo at heart. I made a playlist for him with all our favorite songs we use to sing. all the songs that remind me of him.
I love him. I miss him. but I have to let this go for now.
got a single silver bullet. I shot right through my heart.
I’ve been studying for hours. I had my first final today. I have my polsci one tomorrow.
I should be entirely burnt out, shouldn’t I? But, I can’t be. I have two next week as well.
Surprisingly, I’m not burnt out. I pulled up the blinds on my window for the first time all year. I have a beautiful view. everything looks so cold. and dead. but peaceful? and I’m listening to mumford and sons. If only I was reading a good book instead of polsci and drinking a nice, warm mug of hot chocolate this would be perfect.
How am I stressed all the other times in my life except when I should be EXTREMELY, hair-pullingly stressed?
It’s times like these where I study like a maniac, then realize how amazing everything is.
how wonderful and crisp music can sound.
how new the same scenery I see every-day can look from a different perspective.